Innuendo chat up lines and their put downs

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What would you give me if I agreed to sleep with you?
Syphilis.

What winks and is great in bed?
I don't know.
(Wink)

Underneath these clothes I'm completely naked.
Prove it . . , to someone else.

The best thing about you would have to be my arms.
Thanks - I would offer to shag your brains out, but it looks as if someone has beaten me to it.

People tell me I've got a one track mind, but the track is heading straight for you, babe. Shall we pull into the sidings and couple?
No thanks. I don't want to spoil a pleasant day by talking to you

Nice legs. When do they open?
Nice mouth. When does it shut?

What would you say to a little f**k?
Leave me alone, little f**k.

When I was a prisoner of war they tortured me on the rack, and it wasn't just my legs they stretched...
What else, then - your imagination?

Would you like my ship to sail into your port?
No. It's an airport.

Would you like to come to a nudist camp with me - I could show you what I've got to offer?
I could see that sort of thing in a packet of shrimps.

Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?
I can't - I haven't anything to wear.

Would you mind if I take your temperature using my special thermometer?
I always bite thermometers.

You look like a horse, and I'm a hedge. Would you like to jump me?
I think pruning would be a better idea.

You look like you've never done it in a water bed.
You look like you've never done it.

You remind me of a squirrel. I'd like to pile my nuts up against you.
You remind me of a rat, and I've already called the Pest Control department.

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
OK, my boyfriend's over there.

You'd probably regret it in the morning if we slept together, I suppose. So how about we sleep together in the afternoon?
Your approach wasn't bad, but I'd rather see your departure.

You've lit my fuse, I'm going to explode with passion.
Perhaps if we put your little fuse somewhere wet it might go out?

You've turned my floppy disk into a hard drive.
Sorry, I don't date men with tiny peripherals.

When I was a prisoner of war, held captive in a tower, the other men used part of me to climb down the wall and escape.
Oh no, not you again?

Which part of my bed would you like to sleep on?
The top bunk.

Will you sleep with me.
No, I'm an insomniac.

Would you go to bed with a perfect stranger?
Yes - but you're not perfect.

Would you like a f**k . . .
No.
. . . ing drink?

Would you like a nibble of my sausage?
Not yet. Let's eat first.

Kiss me quick.
Don't you fancy me enough to kiss me slowly?

Let me have a quick stroke.
Sure, shall I call the ambulance?

I've got a condom with your name on it.
You must be mistaken. My name's not Durex Extra Small.

I've got some condoms, so I think we should sleep together right now.
What's the hurry? Are they close to their expiry date?

It's not how big it is, it's what you can do with it that counts.
Well, you can certainly do something amazing: you can make it almost invisible to the naked eye.

It's getting late. Why don't we have a shag?
No thanks, I'm too tired.
Well why don't you lie down while I have one?

I'm not interested in a relationship, but I don't feel like being alone tonight.
Are you asking for a shag, or what?

I'm like quick-drying cement: after I've been laid it doesn't take me long to get hard.
I'd rather go to bed with a packet of cement.

I'd like to watch you take your clothes off.
Off what?

I'd like to father your children.
Fine, they're over there.

I'd like to have your children.
Go ahead and take them.

I'd like to jump into a bed with you.
OK, what about that flower bed?

I'd like to lick your bellybutton. . . from the inside.
Sure. Just don't burst any boils while you're there.

I'd like to make love to you.
I'd rather we skipped straight to the post-coital cigarette.

Can I bury my head in your cleavage?
Just bury your head.

Can I pinch your bum?
Can I pinch your wallet?

Can I see your tits?
No, they've just migrated.

I always swallow.
Good. You'd starve otherwise.

Did you know that men with the biggest dicks have the smallest mouths?
I could park my car in your mouth.

Can you help me? I had sex with someone last night, and I think it might have been you.
No, I think it was with yourself.

Do you believe in sex before marriage?
In general, yes, but with you I'd make an exception.

Do you fancy coming for a walk in the woods?
What for - to meet your family?

Do you know the difference between fellatio and focusing?
No.
Would you mind helping me adjust my telephoto lens, then?

Do you want to come back to my place for a pizza and a shag?
No thanks, I don't like pizza.

Do you want to play my organ?
Only if it's got some good rhythms.

Don't you think that a man's charisma is more important than the size of his penis?
But you've got hardly any charisma either.

Good evening. I'm conducting research to find my ideal partner, and I'd like to ask you a couple of questions: will you come to bed with me, and if so how much do you charge?
Yes, I'll go to bed with you, and I don't normally charge, but for you I'd make an exception.

Have you ever done it with a real man?
No, why - have you?

Hello, I'm a stamp collector.
Well you're not mounting me.

Hey, it's you! I nearly didn't recognise you with your clothes on. Oh, sorry, I thought you were an ex-lover.
And I thought you were a future lover . . . until you opened your mouth.

Hi, I'm from Wonderbra. We're conducting free spot checks to make sure our customers are wearing the correct size bras. Just breathe out slowly once my hands are in place...
When you've done I'd better check your underpants. You look as if you could benefit from a smaller pair.

I can fulfil your sexual fantasy.
Where's your horse, then?

I can read you like a book. I bet you're great between the covers.
I'm not letting you anywhere near my spine.

I climb mountains for a hobby, but getting on top of you is probably going to be my biggest challenge to date.
That depends on the length of your rope.

I don't expect to have sex with you on our first date. I'm quite restrained.
Well I'm even more restrained. I don't even expect to have a first date with you.

I like to think it's my vocation to make women happy in bed.
Let me guess: you deliver meals on wheels to the bed-bound?

I want to be really dirty with you.
You smell as if you already are.

I want to f**k you over and over again.
I want to f**k you over.

I'd like to demonstrate to you the sexual equivalent of a marathon.
Go ahead. I'll just watch from over there.

If I told you I was well endowed in the undercarriage department, would you shag me?
No.
Good, because I'm actually very small.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die.

Can I kiss you?
Of course, but mind you don't burn yourself on my cigarette.

Can I look up your skirt?
Certainly. Here's the catalogue. It's on page 57.

Are you cold, or are you smuggling tic-tacs inside your bra?
Are you cold or are you smuggling a tic-tac inside your underpants?

Can I be your love slave?
Well I certainly wouldn't pay you.

(Call her over using your finger)I made you come using just one finger. Imagine what I could do with my whole hand!
Can you make yourself come with just one finger?

I'm a helicopter pilot: fancy riding my chopper?
I'd rather just shag you.