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Wedlock Insults
The poet, John Dryden, invariably spent more time in his library than in talking with his wife. Coming into his sanctuary one day she criticized him resentfully, saying:
'Lord, Mr. Dryden, how can you always be poring over those musty books? I wish I were a book, and then I should have more of your company.'
'Pray, my dear,' answered the poet. 'If you do become a book let it be an almanack, for then I shall change you every year.'
Their romance started out as puppy-love, but it went to the dogs a long time ago.
On Elizabeth Taylor:
'She is an extremely beautiful woman, lavishly endowed by nature with but a few flaws in the masterpiece: she has an insipid double-chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight pot-belly. She has a wonderful bosom though.' — Richard B urton
You can't deny that he's got a certain something. But his wife wishes he had something certain.
On Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Carlyle:
'It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four.' — Samuel Butler
They are splitting up because of another woman — his mother-in-law.
'Sire, your greatest enemy is dead,' said a courtier to George IV, announcing Napoleon's death. But the King mistook his meaning and answered with amazement:
'By God, is she?'
He's the sort of husband who forgets his wife's birthday, but remembers her age.
Another view of Elizabeth Taylor:
'Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.' — Don Rickles
She spent the first twenty years looking for a husband and she's spent the last twenty wondering where he is.
On Lord Asquith:
'His modesty amounts to a deformity.' — Margot Asquith, his second wife.
She's been divorced four times and she's getting richer by decrees.
When George IPs Queen, Queen Caroline, was lying on her deathbed she tried to persuade her husband to remarry. But he refused saying:
'Never. I will always take mistresses.' 'That shouldn't hamper your marrying,' she answered.
On their honeymoon he could have eaten her alive. He's been regretting he didn't ever since.
On George and Harriet Grote:
'I like them. I like him; he's so lady-like. And I like her; she's such a perfect gentlemen.' — Sydney Smith
To the man who told him that his wife was an angel he replied:
'You're lucky. Mine's still living.'
When a young lawyer asked the famous barrister, Lord Russell of Killowen what was the heaviest penalty for bigamy, Russell told him:
'Two mothers-in-law.' |
