'Is this pig?' asked a would-be wit holding up a piece on the end of his fork and waving it about in front of the other diners.
To which end of the fork do you refer?' asked Douglas Jerrold.
On a thick-skinned friend:
'She's as tough as an ox. When she dies she'll be turned into Bovril.' — Dorothy Parker
During a debate in the U.S. Senate Congressman Johnson, from Indiana, interrupted a speech by a congressman from Ohio, calling him a jackass. The speaker ruled his expression unacceptable and Johnson was made to apologize.
'I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker,' he said, 'but I must insist that the gentleman from Ohio is out of order.'
'How am I out of order,' the other shouted across the floor.
'Probably a veterinary could help you,' Johnson told him triumphantly.
'Do you consider yours is a suitable way of making love to Eva?' Sir Thomas Beecham asked the tenor singing Walther in a production of Die Meistersinger.
'Well, there are different ways of making love, Sir Thomas,' the singer replied.
'Observing your grave, deliberate motions, I was reminded of that inestimable quadruped, the hedgehog,' Beecham told him.
'Say, missus, how many toes has a pig's foot?' a voice from the crowd heckled Lady Astor at one of her election rallies.
'Take off your boots, man, and count for yourself,' she shouted back in reply.
Amongst the cast for one of his productions Sir Henry Irving was auditioning various horses. After settling on one particular animal he spent some time asking its owner about its temperament and its behaviour.
'Has it been trained for the stage?' he asked. 'Yes, indeed,' replied the proud owner. 'In fact it recently supported Tree in a play and gave every satisfaction, though I have to admit that now and again a passing flatulence did cause it to break wind.'
'Ah, a bit of a critic, eh?' Irving asked the horse.