How to be Insulting to Creeps
The vicar of an insignificant parish in the diocese was invited to preach in the cathedral one Sunday morning, when the Dean could find no one else. For weeks beforehand the vicar kept phoning the Dean with queries on tiny points of procedure, until he was sick and tired of the wretched little man. When the day of the sermon came, it was as embarrassing as the Dean feared, and when the anxious vicar asked him after the service what he thought, the Dean replied:
'Well, if you must know I didn't like it.'
'Oh dear, why?'
'First you read it. Secondly, you read it badly. And thirdly, in my opinion it was not worth reading.'
To the woman who, fishing for compliments, says she feels like a wet rag, the reply is: 'Really, what colour?'
A man who was accused by Dr. Johnson of leading a worthless and useless life as a hack writer, tried to justify his existence on the grounds that he had to live. Johnson answered that he didn't see any necessity for that.
The head waiter was most obliging, but, of course, when I told him who I was, he gave me a table at once.'
'And who were you?' asked the friend.