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From the TV Series Red Dwarf


Episode - Marooned

Lister: Twenty-four thousand!? And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?
Rimmer: It was only fifteen quid.
Lister: Right. Fifteen quid. And what did I get? A five-quid book token.
Rimmer: Those card's aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well.
Lister: And you never paid me back. You're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks.

Rimmer: Look, if you get curry all over them, how's that going to look? What's Lieutenant-General Baron Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?
Lister: It'll make him look more authentic. People'll think he's got dysentery.

Rimmer: Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Lister: Do you know something? I believe you.
Rimmer: He didn't say that I was Alexander himself, which is obviously what I wanted to hear. But it explained everything: I'd lived a previous life alongside one of the greatest generals in history. No wonder the military's in my blood.
Lister: No wonder you're such a good singer.
Rimmer: Well, maybe it's rot, I don't know. But it's funny -- to this day, I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing. And why is it, whenever I'm with a large group of women, I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?
Lister: I have that urge, Rimmer. It's got nothing to do with past lives.

Lister: Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens. The only things I ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal tracks on the soles. Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground. I cried for weeks -- I was wearing them. I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.
Lister: Maybe that's because you used to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

Rimmer: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?
Kryten: Where are we going?
Rimmer: We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.


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