From the TV Series Red Dwarf
Episode - Justice
Lister: (Reading) "Barbra Bellini." What a beautiful name. There's no justice. How could this happen to me? (Cat comes in.) Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
Cat: Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.
Lister: Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me. Thanks a lot.
Cat: You know what you look like? You could go out double-dating with the Elephant Man, and he would be the looker.
Cat: (Smiles) Buddy, you've got a head like a watermelon. What are you going to do? Paint it with orange and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback with the Bengals?
Rimmer: Listy, what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?
Kryten: Good news. The Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we have a very strong case.
Rimmer: You do?
Kryten: It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, underachieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his minuscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
Rimmer: You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
Cat: Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that.
Kryten: Not a half-wit, exactly -- more a buffoon.
Rimmer: (Thinks about it. He's quite impressed.) Right, I see. But how would you even begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?
Kryten: Sir, providing I can have completely free access to your personal data files, I think I can come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.
Kryten: The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under- achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man...
Rimmer: (Discreetly) Kryten. You're going over the top. The computer will never buy it.
Kryten: Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.
Kryten: (Turns) I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man (Points at RIMMER) ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity...
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An overzealous, trumped up little squirt...
Kryten: An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot...
Justice: If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll be in contempt.
Kryten: Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests.
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