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From the TV Series Red Dwarf

Episode - Confidence and Paranoia

Rimmer: Ah! Had a good day, Lister? Scrummed enough choccies? Watched enough drivel, have you? Look at you: you're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman. Next thing you know you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.

Rimmer: Lister, if you were a Love Celibate like me you wouldn't have these problems.
Lister: Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from the Love Celibacy Society was you could never get a date.
Rimmer: No, it wasn't. I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money.
Lister: You could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes.
Rimmer: There is nothing wrong with my casual clothes.
Lister: Oh, come on, Rimmer, your trousers were so short when you crossed your legs, you could see your knees.
Rimmer: What about Yvonne MacGruder? That was a date.
Lister: She'd been hit on the head by a winch, she had a concussion.
Rimmer: That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me.
Lister: Oh, yeah? She kept calling you "Norman."
Rimmer: She still went to bed with me.
Lister: Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else.
Rimmer: Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?

Lister: Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said?
Rimmer:
She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."
Lister: She could've said, "yes." Stranger things have happened!
Rimmer:
Only two spring to mind, Lister: the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in 12th century Burgandy when it rained herring.

Rimmer: That's odd, Lister. According to this reading, you're clinically dead.
Lister: And what had happened was my confidence was just about to persuade me to ask Kochanski out and as I was walking up to her he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something and I'd be left with my paranoia saying, "You must be joking. She's gonna laugh in our face."

Rimmer: You know, sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking. And other times, like this, you can rant and drivel on like a complete loonie.

Rimmer: (to Holly) Why did we have to have you as the ship's computer? We'd be better off with a bucket of sheep's slop running things.

Confidence: (To Lister) Baby, baby, what can I say? (To the others) Is he the greatest, most fantastic, most handsome guy ever, or am I insane?
Rimmer: (To Confidence) You're insane.

Confidence: Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for. "Hidiot!" Am I right? Heh heh heh!
Rimmer: (to Confidence) You are treading on a very thin line, me laddo. The "H" stands for "Hologram." I happen to be dead.
Confidence: Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.


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